sigh* been a while since i blogged now~ ^__^ hopefully a new skin will encourage me to blog more often.

Its a saturday night, i should be doing work but i aint. critical thinking, critical thinking, critcial thinking, i should be thinking of critical thinking instead of blogging....back to work for me then

Overnight arhitectural uni camp.

Uni. camps are sure different. In just one night I have not seen so much action in my whole entire life. It was the one night when us architectural students turned from designers to party animals.Pants were pulled down and flashes went off, tops went off and undies turned into beanies, kids playground turning into pole dancing arenas.

To be honest, all this wasnt at all shocking for some reason, but certainly it was so out of this world for some girls at uni. hehe~ these are the bunch that all went to all-girls school. ones that have went on camp for six years with only girls. one talking all night about wanting a boyfriend, another asking are you trying to lose your 'v'.. not sure what was with me.. but i certainly couldnt find the seriuosness of these lines.

May be i'm just too used to having guys around me. i dont understand why sometimes people around me see me with guys and they instantly think there must be something between. I'm just not afraid of my guys friends, not even when they are drunk, somehow i have trust for my close guy friends. To me they are just 'boy'friends, friends  that are boys.  

For a while I honestly thought I had found the essence of life. My conclusion was if its not hard its not a life.

I often think to myself why is it that somethings are so easily obtained by my peers appear to be so out of  reach to me. It took me a while for me to realise I should be grateful I had been given such a chance to experience it all. Its merely the process of my journey, the hardship I am going through is just the process I have to get by in order to truly understand the purpose, and its true I havnt worked out what that is yet.  

Now looking back, not having is also having at the same time, what I don't have is merely what I assumed I should have, but without realising  I was also in possession of something I didnt see, and thats the emotional experience I was undertaking, thats the priceless gift I was given and not appreciating.

Though sounding like I understand it all, I continue to know I often remain blinded by the desires within my heart, the voices that tell me I deserve more than I have now, as I get more and more, like most human minds I also ask for more and more. As mere mortals, I have desires, I have wants, I have all emotions including happiness, love, and hatred. But which characteristic I come to experience more is merely the work of my mind, the workings that lead to my judgment. Will I ever be able to genuinely control all feelings? I think not.

Simply in one day i lost the heaven i thought i had

i thought no matter how hard it would be, as long as i worked harder i could solve all the obstacles i would face. i hate to admit it i was wrong and i thought wrong. no matter how hard i try, i will not have the ability to will as i wish. as i expected, the realisation of winning and losing the world tastes so bitter. so hard to swallow. its is as if even if you fall on your two knees, youll still wont get it back, tears may fall as leaking taps, even if you cant open your eyes up again. you will still not be able to change a thing.

thats how i lost it all. in a small moment on a day i thought was special. but now it holds a different special status. i had hope to be able to be erased and deleted with one bottom. will i? will i be able to turn it all back?